2012 presidential primaries

In 2011 and 2012, several big names popped onto the scene to contend for the role of who would be the best choice Republican to bring down the Obamination in November of 2012. This page documents who they are, and how well they all did.

Primary Republican candidates
A whole slew of Republicans have come forward, each one declaring their wish to be the one to defeat Sauron Obama in November.

This list includes most of the newsworthy candidates. As such, Thaddeus McCotter and other minor ones are not given much focus.

Remembering Herman Cain


Once upon a time in the 90's: Herman Cain offhandedly told one woman that she was the same height as his wife. He also stroked his own chin in front of another. Both women went out of their way to make it sound like he was flicking his wrist from his chin at them, just so that they could extort money from the National Restaurant Association.

The NRA let themselves be extorted by these two female crooks, because it was cheaper than fighting their nonsense in court. Cain himself was not informed of what those women got in their severances. Around that same time, Bill Clinton was dropping his pants to terrorize one woman and running around with several others like he was some sort of pimp. The press gave him a free pass.

Fast-forward to 2011: Politico, which banned Facebook personality Jeff Badura for asking too many questions, dug up the two anonymous women. In what Sean Hannity and others have described as "nothing short of journalistic malpractice," Politico ran the story and tried to paint Cain as some sort of serial rapist. Then refused to publish any details.

After that, a woman came forward with a face to her name. Cain said he'd consider a lie detector test. Voters have rejected the allegations, since the "crime" supposedly happened 14 years ago. Then, a woman showed up alleging an ongoing affair. Cain was fed up with the damage being done to his family, so he quit. Some of his supporters rushed to Michele Bachmann's side. Others wandered despondently into Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul's camps. The result was that Gingrich's ratings climbed. Herman was soon missed by many. His outspoken demeanor, catchy rhetoric ("9-9-9,") and other quirks made him an instant celebrity. His success with the American Dream made him an automatic hero and underdog, even amongst the other candidates.

Michele Bachmann will rise again!
Main article: Michele Bachmann-pertaining Election 2012 highlights

Michele was the Dozerfleet favorite for the primary cycle. The candidate in November could be the Constitution Party pick, if Rick Santorum cannot do what was impossible for Michele. She was simply too ideal and too much like Regan for an apostate nation poisoned by Liberalism to handle.

She is notable for having won the Iowa Straw Poll, and becoming the first woman ever to do so. By creating news and promoting candidates, the news networks had effectively neutered the once-relevant Iowa Straw Poll. In a move that defies all sense and all taste, the cameras decided not to focus on the winner of that poll. Instead, they chased after every single other candidate who was losing big time, and did everything they could to prop those candidates up. During CNN debates, Michele often had the misfortune of being the candidate allowed the least amount of time to say anything, as Wolf Blitzer and other moderators tried to frame the debate to be all about Romney vs. Perry. Said effort was so transparent, that Gingrich even called CNN out on it.

Michele was outspoken on numerous issues, including attacking Perry for his gun-ho mandate in the Gardasil controversy which encroached on parental rights and promoted promiscuity. When a friend of hers accused the drug of causing mental retardation, the impassioned Gardasil Girls controversy was renewed. The National Vaccine Information Center and others had to go out of their way to bring up the Gardasil Girls to an FDA, CDC, and Washington lobby wholly uninterested in the case.

Said bureaus and lobbies were trying to curry favor from the Crooked Rainbow, which would hear nothing of a drug that claimed to eliminate 4 of 100 strains of HPV as being "unsafe for public consumption." They were rather hoping it would lead to an increase in the number of promiscuous children. And what NAMBLA wants, the FDA says it can have. The uninterested agencies used their unwillingness to investigate as an excuse to say she had "no scientific basis" for her claims. (With their definition of "science" being: "only the findings we agree with that we ourselves conducted.")

Michele had other troubles; including the media's mischaracterization of her husband on numerous issues, such as the definition of "submission" in marriage. His (non-)involvement in conversion therapy was another non-issue. Gaffes in her memory on certain trivia tidbits of US history were also brought up. She slipped up once and said "John Quincy Adams" when she was trying to refer to John Adams. The press grilled her mercilessly for that. They also grilled her for mistaking John Wayne's hometown with that of John Wayne Gacy. And for blaming swine flu outbreaks on Democrat presidents when the earliest outbreaks happened under Republican presidents Ford and Reagan. (To be fair, Ford was a RINO working with a Democrat Congress. Reagan was a former Democrat who compromised often with a Democrat-controlled Congress.)

She is the only candidate to have a truly 100% pro-life voting record, one of only two (besides Ron Paul) that have never engaged in any Congressional insider trading, the only one to have been fully opposed to Obamacare or any other form of socialized medicine from the very beginning. She is an outspoken critic of cronyism, the Individual Mandate, and the EPA caring more about strangling American prosperity than doing anything actually beneficial for the environment. The NEA, MoveOn.ogre, crooks in the FDA and Department of Agriculture, and others lobbied with rabid ferocity to bring her down. All because she would've put them on their overdue leashes.

While originally planning to fight in New Hampshire for her last stand after sexist (and anti-Lutheran) Baptists in Iowa demanded voters make a sudden switch to supporting Santorum, Michele decided to bow out gracefully some time later on the fourth of January of 2012. She feared that she'd go into debt if she lost New Hampshire and tried to make her last stand in South Carolina, and that New Hampshire wasn't worth it. Networks called for her head almost immediately, in spite the fact that Jon Huntsman performed five times as poorly in Iowa.

The demoralizing effect of her 5% score in Iowa led to her getting only 0.1% of the vote in New Hampshire.

Allegations of campaign sabotage
It is alleged by Michele's Faith Leader, Peter Waldron, that Michele's campaign staff had foolishly hired managers that were secretly Romney plants bent on sabotaging her campaign from the get-go.

Brett O'Donnel, according to Waldron, was never comfortable with the Evangelicals, Bible emphasis, nor prayer happening in Michele's campaign.

"'He tried several times to prevent [Waldron] from praying with or for Michele. He said [that Waldron's] faith was 'raising the candidates expectations.''"

With no "smoking gun" evidence of a connection to Romney, Brett was able to be a closet Romney campaign member his entire time on the Bachmann team. According to Waldron: "No one could make as many bad decisions repeatedly, as Brett made, without concluding it was [somehow] deliberate and malicious."

Waldron clarified his charges with the following allegations:


 * O'Donnel was rude and disrespectful towards Evangelical pastors, thus alienating a huge portion of Michele's support base.
 * He refused to let home school conferences have a say in anything.
 * He urged voters to be dismissive of the Santorum team's sexist attacks on Bachmann.
 * He avoided meetings with certain key faith leaders completely, or would arrive up to a half-hour late for meetings.
 * He intentionally left Evangelicals off the mailing lists.
 * He prohibited senior consultants from attending debate preparations.
 * He fought to suppress Tea Party and Evangelical language in public meetings.
 * He prohibited praying and Bible reading from occurring on the campaign bus.

Also according to Waldron:

"[O'Donnel] tried very hard to convert Michele from the Tea Party favorite, Evangelical-Woman-of-God [that she is]; into a conventional GOP mainstream conservative.

He was comfortable with GOP candidates like President Bush or Senator McCain; but Michele was too Christian&mdash;too...American&mdash;for his liking. He may have succeeded from a Romney point of view; but it is quite clear that he failed God, Michele, and Protestant Evangelicals in America. One can only imagine the extraordinary pressure Michele is under to endorse Romney."

Down, but not entirely out
Michele announced in late January that she was planning to seek a fourth term for Congress. This could result in her being chosen for the role of Speaker of the House, which would be a nice consolation prize.

Ron Paul - Chamberlain reincarnate
Some of the Dozerfleet founder's close friends have said they trust Ron Paul most of all, with Bachmann ranking either second or third on their lists. They obviously weren't paying attention to the fact that he has been receiving campaign contributions (and Blame America First plans to render the country defenseless) from George Soros, the man who's behind just about every single left-wing atrocity committed in America. (And also, someone that Astrabolo has been compared to by one critic.)

Ron Paul and his followers tend to believe that just because America has a nuke, that Iran has the "right" to have one also. Which is a little like saying that because the police are armed with pistols, that we should allow the Mafia to get away with raiding gun stores and making off with Tommy guns to shoot back at the police with, just to make it "fair."

As Gingrich accurately pointed out, men like Ron Paul are responsible for the kinds of attitudes that allowed Timothy McVeigh to succeed at his goals in Oklahoma City.

Ron and company also believe that the "War" on Drugs is actually being fought like a war. It isn't. It's a slap-on-the-wrist-until-you-kill-for-the-fifth-time-then-you-maybe-get-life. Not nearly enough earth is scorched to bring the drug world down. And Ron's solution is to all but legalize what the savage killers are doing as if that will make Reconquista types renounce their savage bloodthirst and beheading jollies all in one night. You can't negotiate with Amalek. But modern Kings Saul refuse to learn that lesson.

In spite his high-risk, total failure at seeing an international threat when it stares him in the face; he is popular for his sound arguments on domestic policy reform. He is also on the front lines of the battle to restore respect for the Bill of Rights to a bureaucracy-laden Washington that has misguided good intentions leading them to believe the law doesn't apply to them. He is also popular for sharing one trait in common with Michele: neither one has ever engaged in any Congressional insider trading.

In spite his softness on important issues, his popularity with Libertarians has paid off. He is, however, an even bigger threat to the nation's safety than Obama.

Newt Gingrich - that stole Votemas


In November of 2011, Gingrich's poll ratings soared in light of Cain's scandal. He was considered a top contender for being the one candidate that could defeat both Romney and Obama. When Herman Cain dropped out due to the never-ending digital lynching of his family by Politico, Gingrich saw his support skyrocket.

Helping prop up Gingrich after Michele won the Iowa Straw Poll seemed like a logical move to CNN and other networks. He was one of only three candidates (Michele and Ron being the other two) that could pose a credible threat to Romney receiving the nomination. Not only that, but Nancy Pelosi has claimed to have enough dirt on Newt to bring him down.

In spite his numerous positive achievements, Newt has a very large stash of skeletons in his closet as well. He is notorious for having been married three times. (One fewer than Rush Limbaugh.) He has also supported some foolish tree-hugging legislation before he discovered the Climategate aspect of "global warming." His voting record is less than 100% pro-life.

So why did Newt surge briefly? Because he learns from his mistakes. He also has more experience than all the other candidates combined. He has the ability to speak with authority, something none of the other candidates were good at. Only Cain had more charisma, and his downfall meant that Gingrich's greatest obstacle was gone. His baggage is what holds him back now.

For more on Gingrich's seedy and Internationalist Communist history, see this video here. Courtesy of the Liberty News Network.

Even with all the negative exposure he has received, he managed to finish ahead of Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucus. He would go on to survive the grueling battles he faced in New Hampshire, and then stormed to victory in South Carolina.

Rick Santorum


Regulating the bedroom is the only thing he gets right, it seems. Santorum has made a lot of history for himself as part of the "NeoCon" movement under Bush. He was an avid supporter of Bush's "compassionate conservatism" movement, which is really just liberalism with the God-bashing serial numbers filed off.

He has taken some strong (and correct) stances in opposition to the Lawrence vs. Texas case, where judges cited Belgian trends rather than American law for precedent. Making them usurpers of the law. As usual, when absolute truth does not defend the Crooked Rainbow's agenda, they resort to lawlessness and mutiny. Santorum exposed them for what they were, and took a big hit for it. His name soon became an obscenity, used to reference sodomy by-products courtesy of a shock jock.

He was also in the right on the Terry Schiavo case, and took a huge hit for that. Liberal haters were screaming "pull the plug and kill the bitch!" left and right, when Terry's only crime was being incapacitated. And preventing her adulterous POS husband from remarrying a whore. With Santorum's help, several states were able to pass legislation to prevent Mengele's disciples from pulling this stunt any place other than Florida. (Michael Schiavo's villainy actually inspired that of a minor villain who threatens Pinkella in the Stationery Voyagers episode "Crime Scene Pinkella.")

As of the 2012 election cycle, Rick spent a lot of time being unable to gain much traction. His engaging in DC insider trading, as well as his involvement in Bush's betrayal of Republican voters to HillaryCare, has come back to haunt him. He has also lacked the star power that Romney, Gingrich, Paul, Bachmann, Cain, and Perry had been able to muster. He had, as a result, fared only slightly better than Jon Huntsman.

Nevertheless, he did eventually shoot ahead of Michele. Michele's campaign imploded due to the et tu Brute of her campaign staff, who wanted to appear to be backing a winner rather than making the winner. Once again, Fox News refused to give any credence to the proper candidate. So they took what seemed the next-best option; Santorum, and began promoting him. This paid off big time, allowing him to sweep Michele's victory in Iowa out from under her. The votes that would have gone her way suddenly switched over, allowing him to have just barely enough votes to come eight short of Romney. His biggest winning ticket, however, was when Bob Vander Plaats betrayed voters by throwing millions into Santorum's campaign coffers. Vander Plaats had no faith that Bachmann would stick it to the Crooked Rainbow as much as they deserve, in spite Phyllis Schlafly and Judith Reisman supporting Bachmann. So he decided his ministry would go with the "safe" option and back Santorum instead.

Santorum almost lost Iowa to Romney, but pulled off a razor-thin victory after a recount. He won enough votes to stay in the race in New Hampshire, and then won third place in South Carolina right behind Romney.

Jon Huntsman - Genesis-hating RINO
Huntsman is best known as having been an ambassador to China. However, Chinese officials freaked out when he was caught witnessing a protest develop in the streets. Turns out, the Jasmine Revolution had Chinese officials freaking out. And they didn't want Jon to see them in a state of panic. He saw anyway, leading to the infamous "Huntsman Walk." Since then, his image has been blocked from Chinese search results, Stalin-style. Huntsman decided it was high time he got out of China for good, and resigned his post.

His biggest crime, other than insider trading, is attacking Creation Science. Siding with anti-theist propaganda, he declared that Rick Perry's belief in Creation made him "anti-science." An unpardonable offense on Huntsman's part for those who've seen Expelled and know better.

Currently, Huntsman is basing his entire success on winning South Carolina. He is heartened, according to the LA Times, by Santorum's sudden rise in popularity in Iowa. He managed to finish third in the New Hampshire Primary, with a score of 16.7%. True to form, he ditched the race upon realizing he wouldn't win. He joined forces with Romney then, just so he could appear to be backing "the most likely-winning candidate."

Mitt Romney - Establishment's Choice Candidate
Romney has been one of the most consistent members of this race. Not in terms of actual position consistency, but in terms of how much the poll organizations love him. He is the Establishment's favorite man. Romneycare, which calls for the Individual Mandate, is the very heart and soul of Obamacare. He has often taken hits because of his willingness to defend his abomination of a health "care" bill. He has also been attacked for not knowing in advance that his former gardener was hiring Los Illegales to help out. Something which brought him great embarrassment when he had to fire the gardener for doing so.

Romney is the biggest RINO short of Gingrich in the polls, and could get the GOP nomination. As of January 3rd of 2012, Romney's biggest threat was Rick Santorum. However, the South Carolina primary proved a game changer at least for one other adversary. Newt Gingrich soared to victory from out of nowhere, leading the Romney camp to become quite nervous about its future.

Rick Perry - Oops
Simply by being from the same state as Bush, Perry's entry into the race assured he surged almost immediately. But then, his Gardasil mandate abuse of the executive order brought him down. On top of that, his "you don't have a heart" insult of voters cost him huge. Several gaffes later, he withered away to single-digit support numbers. His entire run could best be summarized by one word: "Oops."

He recovered ever so slightly in the Iowa Caucus on January 3rd of 2012, managing to finish in fifth place with 10.3% of the total vote. His support dipped to a meager 0.7% in the New Hampshire Primary. After his support became strained following Huntsman's announcement that he was getting behind Romney, Perry decided to drop out of the race before the South Carolina Primary could get underway. He announced that he'd be supporting Newt Gingrich in South Carolina, and urged his supporters to do the same.

With Michele's supporters (and Herman Cain's) having gone to Santorum's camp, and Huntsman's base (as well as Pawlenty's) having been absorbed in Romney's; it only made sense for Perry to absorb his camp into Gingrich's. This set of campaign absorptions, therefore, put the squeeze on Ron Paul to prove that he could stay competitive. In spite all of this, he received 0.4% of the vote in South Carolina. Even Herman Cain got more write-in votes, with 1.1% of the vote.

Primary Libertarian Candidates

 * Roger Gary
 * R. J. Harris
 * Gary Johnson
 * James Ogle
 * Carl Person
 * Bill Still
 * Miss Joy Waymire
 * Lee Wrights

Nicknames of groups used in relevant topics

 * Radical Homosexual Lobbies, GLAAD: The Crooked Rainbow
 * Muslim Brotherhood, CAIR: The Brotherhood of Evil Muslims
 * Similarities between Romney and Gingrich: "Newt Romney"
 * ACORN, SEIU, other Obama thugs: Chicago Mob
 * Obama himself: The Obamination
 * Harry Reid: Dingy Harry (term coined by Rush Limbaugh)

Candidates and their followers' nicknames
This is a list of followers of the candidates and their nicknames, including several candidates that dropped out.


 * Michele Bachmann: Bachaneers
 * Tim Pawlenty: Pawlentils
 * Thad McCotter: McCottage Heads
 * Herman Cain: The Cain Train, Cainraisers
 * Ron Paul: Paulbots
 * Jon Huntsman: Huntzers
 * Rick Santorum: Santorites
 * New Gingrich: Gingrinches
 * Mitt Romney: RomZombies, Romney Zombies
 * Rick Perry: Perrywinkles
 * Gary Johnson: Gary's Mob
 * Obamination: Obama Zombies, Obazombies

Primary performances
The following is a list of how the candidates played out during the primaries season.

Michele Bachmann pulled out late in January 4th of 2012, as her campaign ran out of money and she didn't want to go into debt. She managed to win a total of 5% of the vote in Iowa.

Jon Huntsman pulled out, given his extremely poor performance in Iowa. He garnered 0.6% of the total vote there, and stated he'd leave if he could not win in New Hampshire. This means he won about as much of Iowa's vote as Stacey Mathia won of Michigan's when she ran for governor. Upon withdrawal, he joined Romney's camp. Perry soon followed suit, joining Gingrich's camp. The sudden push of Perry supporters into Newt's camp proved to be exactly the boost Newt needed to decisively win South Carolina.