Forum:Notice to LoveMatters.com: Wording Matters Too!

Notice to Lovematters.com: Wording Matters Too!

Is it just me, or does LoveMatters have a needless propensity towards promoting misandry?

I recently read a column posted in the LoveMatters Advertising Supplement, Vol. 2, 2001, given to me by my grandma.

In the column "What Part of NO Don't You Understand?: A Super Comeback Can End the Pressure Once and for All," nearly every comment in the article seems to communicate to women that they have to bite a man's head off to tell him they don't want sex.

Do they realize what this does to women who want to wait? This carries over into other areas of life...

That's what it means to teach girls that saying no means being hostile. I've seen it, I know it. Is keeping girls away from whoredom really worth the cost of teaching them to be man-haters?

Allow me to demonstrate from the article some examples of what was said, and how it can be done without training the next generation of man-haters.

1. Come-on: "I do it with all my girlfriends..."

LM Comeback: "Not this one. By the way, I'm now your ex!"

Problem: Just because his desires went astray once, doesn't mean you have to cut him loose so quick and so cold. Just because you and he can't agree on a protocol for sex, does that mean you have to make enemies?

Better: "Correction...DID. Allow me then, to be the noble exception, Casanova! Trust me...you'll thank me later!"

Reasoning: While patronizing and not always a final solution, it slightly deflates the man's ego without insulting or threatening him. By contrast, saying "It's over!!!" on the first offense presents the girl as ruthless, unforgiving, and fickle. Nobody wants to be with a Liliputian!

I know how, even over matters that are completely innocent, a girl with such a quick habit of turning her back on someone only results in hard feelings. As for the "Better" reply, the cuteness is charming, and the promise of a reward increases his propensity towards patience.

2. Come-on: "I'll use protection..."

LM Answer: "You're gonna need protection if you don't back off!!!"

Problem: WAY too threatening! This invites a shouting match of offended egos.

Better: "Pal, if anyone finds out where you were with me, I don't think your protection would do squat! Last I checked, latex can't stop blackmail..."

Reasoning: Man is forced to ponder the consequences of merely what would happen if everyone found out. Pseudo-science or even real science about how condoms work cannot compensate for the social science of handling gossip webs.

This may be less effective on public university grounds than in the real world though, as peers on campus expect illicit behavior of one another and rarely think much of it in terms of how it will affect them in a future career.

3. Come-on: "I'll stop whenever you say..."

LM comeback: "How about right now?"

Problem: Especially in a setting with friends, this approach, without first correcting the guy's priorities, implies his worthlessness by nature of his uncorrected priorities. When a man is coming on to a girl and wants to go straight for the bed, is it wise to call him worthless?

Better: "Who said anything about stopping? I'm not even ready to start yet! Would it be too much to ask to put those plans on layaway?"

Reasoning: Sends a clear message, but with the promise that there might be a future. The visual this places in the guy's mind is one of a stoplight turning red. This simply means "wait your turn."

The original response, by contrast, paints a picture of a panicked woman throwing a dagger at the man's chest, or an upset lady throwing a drink in a complete stranger's face. Animal instinct.

Either way, the assault nature of the comment encourages hard feelings. To a tough guy, this may be an invitation to worse things. Being too defensive with words may actually encourage a rapist rather than deter, as it implants a revenge motive.

4. Come-on: "It's not a big deal..."

LM comeback: "It is to me...because of...future spouse...God...etc. So I'm waiting!"

Problem: If spoken with the wrong tone especially, this response sounds pompous, and perhaps even insincere, especially if the girl's attitude seems to reflect that she doesn't care what God or anyone else thinks of that. The pomp can cause the guy to see her as a snob, and while it will protect her from future come-ons, it will also doom them both to perpetually resent and have contempt for one another.

Better: "Then why do you want it so bad?"

Reasoning: This confronts the guy with the reality that his words and actions contradict, and forces him to seek a justification. If he can't find a justification, he'll oftentimes drop the matter as a way to subtly admit defeat. He will then seek to at least maintain a sort of friendship with the girl, as he realizes he can always fall back on her intellect when he needs it.

5. Come-on: "If you really loved me..."

LM comeback: "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask..."

Problem: This phrasing, believe it or not, can be misinterpreted. But even in the proper context of understanding, it gives no real explanation for itself. Therefore, it is easy to ignore. Nevertheless, it is still far friendlier than some of the other entries in the original article.

Better: "Not really. If I let you have your way, you'd think it was okay with the next girl--even if she got hurt by it. Do you really want to be encouraged to behave recklessly? Is that love? Or suppose I'm the one who gets hurt when you walk away...is that love? Stop looking at it with only your third eye...and start looking at it with a heart of concern...concern for the future..."

Reasoning: This speech will be inspiring, assuming the guy sticks around to listen. It gives the girl more options. If it scares him away or he interrupts or mocks, then the girl safely reply with: "You have just sealed your own fate to a celibate term..."

If he listens to the speech and then pretends to have not, the girl can reply: "Sir, you have a problem. We need to get that treated..."

If he accepts the terms of the speech, then the two can continue to have a relationship, but he will acknowledge his need to back off a little.

If he grows angry with her and violent in either actions or words, she can push him aside, gather some distance, and reply: "So much for love!" This way, the guy must realize that if he pursues her any further, he will be vilified.

This is how a girl in a relationship can better defend her choice to save up, without creating hostility. The hostile mindset promoted in the original article in the Lovematters.com ad is more appropriate for how to deal with an aggressive drunkard.

But they wouldn't be using sweet come-ons like the ones in the article. They'd be more along the lines of: "Come the f* on, Suzie! I wanna f* you in the a*! Come on, f*in' sweetheart!!!"

In those situations, a girl can appropriately blow off the guy saying: "Ain't gonna happen. Call me when you're sober."